She has the pair of ideal size jeans to keep her fitness goals in mind.

He has a white wife-beater that lets him know when he’s had one six-pack too many.

 

She reads books about how to deal with feelings and inner conflict.

He reads books on how to fix things and make powerful presentations.

 

She just wants a spa day getaway to get a facial and pedicure.

He wants just three hours to himself to watch the game uninterrupted.

 

She wants the automatic transmission and the pearl white paint.

He wants the manual 5-speed and matte black finish.

 

The good Lord simply made us different didn’t He….or She?

 

Men have one X chromosome and one Y chromosome while women have two copies of the X chromosome. And wouldn’t ya know, the X chromosome carries a bigger instruction manual. Imagine that. And since women have two of them, well, you’re gonna need a bigger instruction manual as well.

 

While we can’t agree on most things, what we can agree on is that we’re better off with one another than without. But how do we, as James Ingram sang it, “make the magic last for more than just one night?”

 

So, for just once, I’m gonna figure out what we’ve been doing wrong.

The Guys

(A) We’re myopic. In fact, you might say we have a one-track mind. It can be downright primal at times. It’s that whole silly “survival of the species” embedded into our DNA I suppose. Pesky, isn’t it? Always getting in the way of what’s really important. Well, we didn’t invent yoga pants, you did, and that really didn’t help at all.

 

(2) We’re not the best conversationalists. Nobody will mistake us for Oprah on a couch that’s for sure. We follow the (Noun-verb- adjective-Noun) format, again from the Cro-Magnon days. “You make pretty woman for me….I hunt delicious animal” and that’s about as far as we go. I can be fairly sure that superlatives, antecedents and reciprocal pronouns were most likely invented by females. The disjunct, (a type of adverbial adjunct that expresses information that is not considered essential to the sentence it appears in) definitely was.

 

(D) We can be unorganized, perhaps even lacking the attention to detail which you require to exist. You know, when the throw pillows don’t accent the couch just right…the important stuff in life. We have to take some of the blame here guys. We invented plumbing centuries ago, but never thought to make pipes big enough for certain things? Sure, she sheds like German shepherd in the summer leaving fuzzy clumps that could be mistaken for small animals, but it’s always our beard trimming that seem to clog the sink.

 

Now for the LADIES:

 

(1) Your attention to hygiene can be a little over the top. A scrub is somebody who doesn’t live up to his draft position, not a hygiene product. It’s called soap. And it contains…you guessed it, soap. We don’t need avocado and sugar to get our faces and armpits clean. That’s food. And what’s Jojoba? I must’ve heard it a thousand times and still have no idea what it is. All this time I thought it was Cerrano’s voodoo statue from Major League.

 

(2) We may be, as my wife calls it, “blissfully unaware”. She claims to be aware of all things at all times. “Like how many diapers are in the diaper bag” I asked? “No” she said, “like if your kids have food to eat that day.” Oh, yea, whoops. I guess this goes back to that DNA. If we got hungry in the dinosaur days, we killed something and ate it, we didn’t have to make reservations two days in advance. But now I have to know how many slices of bread are left in the loaf on any given morning, if there is toilet paper on the rack or when the recycle truck comes? Seems a bit OCD to me.

(3) This obsession with kale. What gives? A big kale salad. Baked kale snacks. A spinach and kale smoothie. Changing the name of our 31^st state to Kaleafornia? When does it stop? A good friend of mine coined the hardy cabbage “your colon’s toothbrush” a name I certainly consider befitting. Last time I gave it a go it cleaned me out faster than a Jimmy Choo sale on Hautelook. I feel kale is like Hillary Clinton’s conscience, nobody even knew it existed until just recently and now it seems we will be forced to swallow it everywhere we turn. BARF!

 

So there ya have it. The differences in the sexes, easily dissected. Enjoy them while they are still around.