Sometimes it’s all about being creative and there is no greater test of creativity then finding 32 women who would be a perfect fit for each NFL team.
So here you have it, the 2016 NFL DRAFT: WOMEN’S EDITION
(Alphabetical Order)
Bears:
Initial reports out of the Windy City had ownership looking to match the persona of QB Jay Cutler, somebody with talent but who was a bit more “high-maintenance”. That fueled speculation of the Bears going with Mariah Carey. When she flaked and didn’t show up for a try out, reports then leaned toward the singing of Oprah Winfrey. But Chicago went in an entirely different direction, settling for a safe pick, a legacy pick that went back generations as the Bears took the one and only Maribel Froman, the grand daughter of the late Sausage King of Chicago, Abe Froman.
Bengals:
Sorry Cinci, but you are Cinci. Not so good. So we are gonna go all the way back to 1982 (the same year the Bengals lost in the Super Bowl) and select another Anderson. Not Ken but Loni Anderson. Not seen since her days at WKRP, it’s a stretch but allow me to remind you, you’re Cincinnati, deal with it.
Bills:
It’s a blue-collar town with a blue-collar team. When you lose four Super Bowls in a row and get pummeled with 10 feet of snow each winter, the only thing that’ll get you through is a great sense of humor, so with their pick the Bills select Melissa McCarthy who is expected to come in an immediately start at Quarterback.
Broncos:
The mile high city stays high with their first pick. A surprise to some but not when you think about it. She launched her own medical marijuana company this year and would definitely fit in well during a post game pow-wow in Denver. With their first pick the Broncos take Whoopi Goldberg. When reached for comment Goldberg simply said “I think it’s far out man”.
Browns:
This may be the easiest and most obvious pick. It’s Tara Reid at Quarterback, because Cleveland wouldn’t know what to do without a train wreck at that position. Nobody really expects her to actually see the field, but the Cleveland Plain Dealer is already assigning a reporter to the police station and bets are being placed on how long before she ends up in rehab. And yes, they’ve given her the lucky No. 2 jersey.
Buccaneers:
Ranked No. 2 among U.S. cities with the most adult strip clubs, Tampa is also a beach town which loves boating, that being the case the Bucs will go with a veteran pick who probably knows her way around all three and select Pamela Anderson with their top spot. Bay Watch now has a new location.
Cardinals:
It’s hot in the desert. Really really hot. So the Birds needed to go with a pick who not only felt comfortable flying around the skies of Arizona but a woman who was known for her ability to withstand extreme temperatures. With their first pick in the draft, the Cardinals select Daenerys Targaryen AKA Princess Khaleesi.
Chargers:
It’s close to Los Angeles and the Chargers have been close at times but have never won anything in terms of Super Bowls, so that makes this pick easy, going with one of Hollywood’s top actresses who has been close to winning an Oscar six times but has never actually won. The Chargers select Glenn Close.
Chiefs:
Kansas City fans were outraged when they were undercut by Buffalo and the Bills selection of Melissa McCarthy, who head coach Andy Reid was rumored to have an affinity toward. Desperate not to let time expire and with no second option in sight, Reid and the Chiefs went with Kelly Clarkson? We’re still trying to figure this one out. It’s a definite “NO” for me.
Colts:
Considering their uniforms are among the most boring and bland and Andrew Luck wasn’t helping the case with his Amish beard, the Colts made a calculated reach and went with the nearby two sport athlete with sex appeal in picking Indy Car driver Danica Patrick.
Cowboys:
Many of you will be surprised that Dallas moved up in the draft to steal this pick from Los Angeles but who else gets more media attention yet has less real talent than the Cowboys No. 1 pick Kim Kardashian. Most Cowboys fans were shocked when Coach Jason Garrett said he intended to move the No. 1 pick from tight end to left guard but Garrett said the team “needed another Larry Allen type blocker for Ezekiel Elliott.”
Dolphins:
Fins fans know Stephen Ross loves to go with a big name past their prime when it comes to filling his roster. And the upside is, she’s already a part owner, values South Beach high fashion and she’s bilingual. So Miami keeps Jenny on the block and puts Jennifer “J-Lo” Lopez under center. At her press conference Lopez reassured the fans saying “Bro, whatever, like can we like be awesome or what bro?
Eagles:
They booed Santa Claus and cheered Michael Irvin’s neck injury. This team’s fans are known for being so ruthless that they had to install a jail located in the stadium for rowdy fans. But that was in the past. Enter high plains squeaky-clean quarterback Carson Wentz and the City of Brotherly Love has a new image to uphold. So rather than go with a sexy pick like Diva troublemaker Nicki Minaj, which they would’ve in the past, Eagles ownership looked to solidify Wentz and make him more comfortable by surrounding him with comfort and selecting Melissa Gilbert AKA Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie.
Falcons:
Atlanta is no stranger to Cleat Chasers so who better to select for its own team than the original Paparazzi Princess Kim Zolciak-Biermann from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Most experts agree the pick is a bust.
Forty-Niners:
Looking to renew a classic rivalry from the late 80s and early 90s, the ‘9ers seem to be almost instigating the Cowboys by taking Caitlyn Jenner; Kardashian’s father in law, I mean mother in law…well you know who. Now Colin Kapernick won’t be the only player fans will be watching to see if they sit or stand.
Giants:
Eli is dry toast. So was Tom Coughlin. Now with Odell Beckham Jr on the roster, the Giants brass wants to keep the team moving forward with more personality and spice and to do that they are going across the George Washington Bridge and stealing a player out of nearby New Jersey in selecting Nicole Polizzi AKA Snooki. At 4’8” they are hoping she is the next Joe Morris.
Jaguars:
Jacksonville at first appeared to go “off-the-board” with their first pick, Meg Ryan. But like Ryan, whose last good work was You Got Mail in 1998, the same year the Jags won the AFC central, the two just haven’t been relevant.
Jets:
If this isn’t a layup. It’s Rosanne Barr. We’re talking old school stand-up Rosie. And I think you know why. It’s that annoying voice that you just can’t get out of your ear. It’s the soup sandwich known as Rex Ryan’s female equivalent. The Jets are known for taking busts in the draft so this fits perfectly.
Lions:
It happens every draft. There’s always one pick that seems way off the board that comes out of nowhere. One none of the draft experts saw coming. And this year it belongs to Detroit who took a relatively unknown out of Indiana University Bloomington in Alicia Boler-Davis. A native of Detroit, it appears the Lions selected Boler-Davis because she is the the Senior Vice President of quality and global customer experience at General Motors and as we all know the customer experience at Ford Field has never been award winning.
Packers:
It had to be Sarah Palin and Packers fan are ecstatic. Nothing the Green and Gold admire more in a woman than wholesome family values and the ability to handle a rifle in the woods. The accent didn’t hurt either. Word is she won the hearts of Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews when she invited the team over to her garage party to try out her new turkey fryer before riding bicycles to camp.
Panthers:
Carolina’s front office had to address the obvious concerns about protecting league MVP Cam Newton, so who better to bring into the organization than somebody with experience grooming the tackle position. With their first pick in the draft Riverboat Ron and the Panthers select The Blind Side Bombshell Sandra Bullock. She got the attention of the team when she came into camp the first day with a life-sized cut outs of Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware.
Patriots:
Sorry when I said the Browns had the most obvious pick in Reid. Who else has had more wins among more controversy than the New England Patriots? Hillary Clinton. While she and Slick Willy seem to be polar opposites it seems as if the Secretary of State and the Pat’s Bill are two peas in a pod. Dry and leathery, inside and out, the Hoodie felt Hillary would be a valuable asset in pre-game preparation and would help smooth things out with Roger Goodell as well.
Raiders:
In the past the Raiders would’ve went with Ronda Rousey. But the Bay Area Bad Boys are trying to clean up their image and go in a different direction these days. Still sexy, still tough and still repping the black, the Raiders select Kate Beckinsale, the vampire slayer from Underworld.
Rams:
Following a 21-year absence, the nation’s second largest media market finally has an NFL presence again. Football is back in Tinsel Town and the Rams are ready to give football another try. And apparently so is the city of Los Angeles, after 21 years welcoming back first round pick Marcia Clark. Thought to be brought in an offensive specialist, Head Coach Jeff Fisher says he plans to move her to linebacker as she has an uncanny knack for “hunting down the ball carrier”.
Ravens:
With the team still reeling from the loss of three-time Pro-bowl running back Ray Rice and ownership under pressure to ensure they make the politically correct pick, the Ravens shocked the world and made a huge statement by using their position to select Lorena Bobbitt. At her press conference she said “it’s time for the team to make a clean cut and toss out the demons of the recent past”. Point made!
Redskins:
The Nation’s Capitol was obviously disappointed when the Patriots took Hillary Clinton in a bold move. Owner Daniel Snyder, never one to be out-maneuvered, just check-mated New England by going with the only woman in Washington more slimy and ferocious than Clinton. Yup, Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Word is Snyder and she share the same agent, maybe Rabbi, could be both?
Saints:
She has already been on the host committee for a Super Bowl. She appears in Maker’s Mark commercials and she’s tough as nails. But perhaps the real reason for the Saints selection of Political Consultant Mary Matalin is who her husband is, James Carville, the Rajun Cajun.
Seahawks:
In a city where showering and shaving are considered optional, and one in which they really cling to their local music scene and homegrown talent, Pete Carroll really hit a home run by taking Courtney Love.
Steelers:
You know Steelers fans don’t play. They just win and they do it by being tough and outmuscling their opponents. Who’s gonna look better in black ‘n gold than Serena Williams? The bonus to this pick is that Williams intends to play both sides of the ball at every position, every down, so her versatility is key.
Texans:
OK Texan fans. What’s not to like about you? You’re warm, friendly and your colors are Red, White and Blue. Dadgummit you’re what football is all about. And this pick was a no-brainer. You had to find somebody with roots close by (Oklahoma) and who not only made your roster better but certainly will help you keep your crown as the best tailgating team in the country. With their first pick, the Texans select none other than the Pioneer Woman herself, Ree Drummond. Who’s ready to come inside for some biscuits y’all?
Titans:
When the hottest woman in entertainment is from your hometown, you pick her, no questions asked. The Titans have been practically invisible since the days of Eddie George and the Music City Miracle so their selection of Megan Fox has to turn heads. Tennessee is hoping she will “transform” the city into a contender once again.
Vikings:
Minnesota brass appears desperate to reassure fans that they will not allow another repeat of last season’s 10-9 gut wrenching loss to Seattle in the playoffs by signing the most famous female left foot in sports. Most people will remember Brandi Chastain for her historic fifth penalty kick in the 1999 FIFA World Cup Final but Vikes owner Zygi Wilf hopes the Team USA soccer star will help the country forget Blair Walsh’s 27 yard wide left.
And that concludes the first round of the 2016 NFL DRAFT, Women’s Edition.
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